Strange New World

Standard

Given my situation with the soon-to-be-retired jeans (and the fact that the replacement pair sent by Mom won’t fit just yet), I’ve been checking out maternity clothes–online, of course, since I hate clothes shopping.

I have a few questions… (you may need to click here to get the matching visuals):

-What are belly bandits and bella bands?

Are these items intended to try to conceal pregnancy?  If so, let me know how that works out for you.

There’s a whole line of something called “Hooter Hiders“… I’m speechless. Truly.

On to the bottom half of the body… I’m all about women choosing to claim their sexiness no matter what their circumstances, but the “hanky panky thong underwear” just leave me shaking my head.

Thank God for “mama spanx pantyhose,” which have left my eyeballs burning.

And who, exactly, is J. Brand Lovestory, and why are his or her jeans worth $198 for the approximate 2 months I’d be able to wear them if I were idiot (or wealthy) enough to buy them?

Why are there no torsos or heads on the women who are modeling the pants? I mean do these shorts really look THIS good? (And check out those shoes– I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my wrist wearing shoes with a platform shorter than these and I wasn’t even pregnant. I’d hate to think what could happento me  if I wore these shoes under my current conditions).

We’ve already established that I’m no fashion consultant, but c’mon– even I know that these pants could (should) be presented more flatteringly… perhaps with something other than flats?  (Maybe this model should have borrowed those platforms).

If I get pregnant enough, maybe I’ll get all these questions figured out. For now, my head is spinning.

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